Befriending the wild nature
Lions, such graceful, powerful and wild creatures. In my
days and weeks of preparation for my Spirit Quest, they started showing
up in my dreamtime. I don't often dream of animals, in fact I can't
remember the last time I saw an animal in my dreams. But here they
were, making a dramatic mark on my psyche.
The first one was in
my house with me. A massive creature with a flowing mane, sitting next
to me while I partially hid behind a wall in case he decided to turn
wild on me. I was ready to run.
The next one I see from my car.
I pass a wildlife farm in a quaint beach town where a huge lion is
hopping over the fence with ease. Realizing this was not ok, I turn
with alarm to the driver of the truck I was in and we head to the place
the animal was escaping. Coming to an intersection, we meet this
massive creature face to face; he was larger than the truck. He comes
to the passenger side where I am sitting, quite alarmed, but feeling
somewhat safe because my window is closed. Only, it wasn't closed, and
when the lion reaches his huge paw into the car, touching my face, I
nearly pass out from a heart attack. I can still feel the fluttered
pounding of my heart and taste the fear that coursed through me.
I let these images ferment while I prepared for my Vision Quest time in
the canyon, wondering what Psyche might have in store. I knew the
moment I stepped across the threshold of the swaying, rickety bridge -
swirling river rushing beneath me - that this was going to be a magical
time.
A lush oasis in the middle of the eastern Washington
desert, the canyon floor was vibrating with life. Every sense was
flooded with the wildness of paradise. I could taste the smell of the
wild roses and mock oranges wafting through the air. I could smell the
multicolored landscape, painted with every variety of green imaginable
- from dusty blue-green sage to chartreuse lichen on the rugged canyon
walls, and every tone in between. Hundreds of birds sang through the aspens and cottonwoods. Fragrant sage bushes reached out to embrace us
and brightly painted copulating butterflies flitted here and there,
oblivious to everything but their own sensuous yearning for
conunctio.
And so I left behind clocks and computers, cars
and cellphones and immersed myself in the wild, sensuous paradise,
apprenticing myself to the cycles of nature and the canyon creatures.
For eight days I slept on the earth, nestled nurturingly in the grasses
with the canyon walls rising to either side; under the piercing
white-hot stars that studded the brief darkness of the solstice night
sky. I befriended bullsnakes and rattlers, a beaver and a large herd of
graceful bighorn sheep, and woke up wide-eyed, heart pounding several
times a night to the unknown night visitors or to a pack of coyotes
howling in the near distance.
It was a dance with the wild and a dance with my own fears - not unlike the fears that I vividly felt in my lion dreams.
Halfway through our time there, we were to have a three day solo quest.
So having had some moving experiences with the bighorns, I perched
myself on a rugged bluff, surrounded by cliffs above and below, and
plenty of evidence of sheep life all around. By day I could watch the
heard make their way along the opposite canyon wall. You could always
hear them first, moving along the uncertain slopes of fallen rock,
often causing mini-avalanches. I woke up to magical mornings, with
mamas and babies watchfully grazing on the bluff next to mine. But by
night I huddled nervously in my mummybag, hoping nothing wild would eat
me.
By night my rugged canyon cliffs became darkness and
shadows. And while hearing night movement on the far canyon wall was
somehow comforting, hearing movement on the talislope 10 feet away was
highly alarming. More than once the talislope avalanched in the
moonless darkness with a large creature moving over it, and all I could
think of was cougar. My
dreams were coming back to me, but this time in real life - what our
quest guides called a waking dream. Night after night, I'd wake up to
pitch darkness, utterly alone, with a large animal very close. My heart
would pound adrenaline through my body and every nerve and fiber of my
being would train itself on the blackness, my ears and eyes and even
senses I didn't even know existed would strain to get a glimpse of what
I was certain would be my death. And then I would hear nothing for a
while, and the moon would rise and I was still alive, and I would slip
back into a fitful sleep. That side of the canyon was officially the
"wild" side though, and I couldn't sleep facing it, I felt too uneasy.
On one of those nights, I dreamed again of wild creatures - this time
skunks - on the other side of a window. I wanted to reach out this time
and pet them, but I was afraid of their wildness. Afraid they would
spray me. And so I didn't break through the barrier. I kept the
protection of the window between me and the wild.
Afternoons
grew hotter and hotter as the week progressed, and I found the only
shade on my solo was at the base of the cliff on the "wild" side of the
canyon. So I found a place where the sheep had nested to lay my tarp
out and spent midday napping and journaling there, listening to sound
of the creek far below as it echoed through the canyon and graced my
ears with the roaring of a thousand trickles.
By the last
night of solo, I was no longer afraid of the wild darkness and woke up
facing that side of the canyon, smiling. In the end, I lived. Nothing
wild ate me (other than mosquitoes), and I think I actually befriended a bit of my own wild
nature. They say dreams are a snapshot of your psyche. If so, the dream
I had the night I returned home speaks volumes.
I was at a
retreat in the mountains, and through a window I could see two tigers
climbing the tall fir trees with ease. Next thing I know, they are on
the other side of the window from me. One of them is reaching her paw
through the place where the two panes connect. Instead of shrinking
back in fear, I reach out and touch the massive, soft paw and she curls
it gently around my finger. I feel no fear. Even as she moves her body
through the two panes of glass I look on with awe and delight. Both
tigers circle around me and snuggle up on my lap. I am aware that this
is an amazing experience, even recalling the other dreams where I was
scared to death. I bask in the beauty and strength of the powerful
creatures knowing this was a monumental moment.
So if you
look at me and notice something a little different, it could just be
that I'm a little extra sunkissed. But if you look closer you may see
the faintest glimmer of a wild tigress in my eye.





